


'cause i'm not fine at all

by sabinethesoprano



Category: Fablehaven Series - Brandon Mull
Genre: Angst, Dragonwatch Spoilers (Fablehaven), Gen, HALF CANON, Half my own add-ons, I love Seth, so therefore I must hurt him, that's how it works right?, why did ao3 make that all caps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 09:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18808801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinethesoprano/pseuds/sabinethesoprano
Summary: A more (angsty) in-depth look at Seth's thoughts between the time where he gets his memories back and then loses them again at the end of Wrath of the Dragon King





	'cause i'm not fine at all

**Author's Note:**

> I guess you could consider this a warmup for writing for this fandom? But I'm vaguely proud of it, so I decided to share.
> 
> title comes from Amnesia by 5SOS (see what I did there?)
> 
> TW: some self-deprecating + anxious thoughts but I don't think it's too bad

* * *

Key of Forgetting in hand, Seth stepped into the atrium to find Celebrant waiting with at least forty golden statues. Down one hallway, golden statues were fending off silver ones. A couple of the golden figures held Kendra between them. She still wore the platinum glove. Celebrant held the Banishment Rod.

Seth stumbled a bit as his memories returned as waves that continued to build on top of each other. With each one, he remembered more and more of his old life while retaining the new memories he had gained inside the gauntlet. He tried to subtly slip the key into a pocket.

Humbuggle appeared and started to congratulate him, but Seth was miles away. He was disoriented and slightly dizzy as memories, old and new, swirled in his mind. Though, he had a retained a sense of himself and who he was while in the gauntlet, the missing memories were still bombarding as they returned. He had felt like something was missing, but now Seth felt like there was too much. Neither felt right, and while he would never admit it, both scared him.

He was vaguely aware of the exchange between Humbuggle and Celebrant and was finally able to focus a bit while Humbuggle recited his final rhyme. None of it was very reassuring, but the most concerning part was the last two lines.

_If you should choose to turn the key_

_The price is your identity_

“My identity?” Seth asked, wanting to be sure he had heard that right.

“Key of Forgetting,” Humbuggle said. “Steep price for a big prize. Good luck!”

A wave of chilling dread washed over Seth. To obtain the Wizenstone, someone would have to be willing to give up their identity. And that someone would be Seth.

“You have the key,” Celebrant said, glowering at Seth. Oh shoot, he had been hoping the Dragon King hadn’t noticed that.

“Maybe not,” Seth replied.

“I saw you put it in your pocket,” Celebrant said.

“Maybe that was a candy bar,” Seth tried.

“It was a key made of jade,” Celebrant said. “And Humbuggle congratulated you.”

Well it had been worth a shot, but obviously it wasn’t worth trying to deny the very uncomfortable weight in his pocket anymore. Seth removed it from his pocket.

Celebrant smiled. “Well done. This has been quite a game.”

Seth frowned and crossed his arms. “If you say so,” he said.

“What if I gave you and your sister a sporting chance?” Celebrant said.

Seth’s eyes narrowed. The Dragon King was at war with them, and he also had Kendra and Seth pretty well cornered. Why would he want to risk his victory when everything was going right for him? “I’d be incredibly suspicious,” Seth said.

“Taking the glove from Kendra and turning her to gold would be no problem,” Celebrant said. “Same with changing you to gold. But that would end our game, and dragons love a good hunt. I haven’t had such sport in ages. And wouldn’t you prefer a small chance over none?”

There was no way he could be serious. But from experience, Seth had learned that dragons _did_ love a good hunt. Not to mention that this could be their only shot, ulterior motive or no. “I’m listening,” he said.

“Do you know where the golden crest shines in the day?” Celebrant asked.

That had been one of the lines from the rhyme, right? Seth glanced at Kendra. She shrugged in response. “Not really,” Seth said.

“The second-highest tower of this castle has a golden crest on the outside,” Celebrant said. “The tallest tower does not. There are only two locked doors in this entire castle. Have you noticed the doors are all unlocked? Even in the dungeon.”

Seth thought back to the past couple hours when he had been able to make his way freely through the castle. Yeah, it was weird how even the dungeon had had free access. “Now that you mention it, yes,” he said.

“The room atop the tallest tower is locked and holds the king and queen,” Celebrant said. “The second-highest tower is also locked. And there is a golden crest on the outside of the tower. And the room has no windows.”

“Sounds like a candidate,” Seth said. Yeah, a candidate for the location of his loss of well… everything. Was there any way he could delay this? Probably not. It wouldn’t be long before Celebrant became impatient.

“You get there by taking that hall,” Celebrant said, pointing. “Turn left at the first intersection. After the turn, the hall leads into a room with a big chandelier. At the rear of the room are two staircases. Take the right one. Go down the hall and up the stairs at the end.”

“This seems like a lot of help,” Seth said with a tilt of his head. He couldn’t help himself; it _was_ a lot of help for Celebrant to give them, even with an ulterior motive up his sleeve. Or would it be his scales?

“I am giving you a head start,” Celebrant said. “Use it how you prefer.” Yeah, Seth probably shouldn’t have tested him. The Dragon King turned toward Kendra. “Release the girl.”

The golden statues holding Kendra let go of her. A tension that Seth hadn’t realized was in his shoulders was released, and his breathing became easier. Kendra getting into sticky situations never left a positive effect on him, but Seth supposed his overall panic about the situation had caused him to not be aware of the extra stress.  

“Clear the way,” Celebrant said, and the golden statues opened a path to the hall he had first indicated. He repeated his instructions.

“Can we have the rod?” Kendra asked.

Celebrant grinned. “I can’t make this too easy. Go, if you choose. I won’t be far behind.”

Seth briefly considered attempting to grab the rod anyways but decided against it. The Dragon King was nearing the end of the rope as it was; the last thing Seth needed was to make another stupid mistake that put the lives of everyone he loved in danger. He glanced at Kendra. She gave a nod. They started running.  
  
“You know this is a trick,” Seth said. “He just wants us to open the door.” Celebrant probably couldn’t care less, but Seth knew that it would be he opening the door. Like hell he was letting his sister lose her identity like that. She was way more important than he was, and anyways, he had already lost his memory once. Surely he could handle doing it a second time. Surely.

“And it’s the one chance we have,” Kendra said. “Better than getting turned to gold.” One of Seth’s favorite things about Kendra was actually how similar their trains of thought often were. She had come to the exact same conclusion that he had.

“I agree,” Seth said. “Celebrant had us. Now we have some room to move. Where is Lockland?”

“We got cornered, so I turned him to platinum,” Kendra said. “It was to keep him from getting changed to gold.”

They reached an intersection. To the right, Seth saw golden statues approaching at a quick walk. He and Kendra turned left.

“Obregon and Tregain joined Lomo and me in the gauntlet,” Seth said. “If they all live, they’ll come out before long.” The memory was just slightly clearer than all the rest. Seth didn’t want to think about the implications of that.

“Nobody else?” Kendra asked.

“The dwarf was there in disguise,” Seth said. He noticed more golden statues coming their way down a side hall. If he made it out of here alive and with his memories intact, Seth was sure he’d be dreaming about the figures for months.

“We still don’t know who made the gong ring,” Kendra said. “The late arrival.”

“Stay ready for anything,” Seth said. Shoot, he had nearly forgotten about that. Adding another variable to the equation would make it a lot harder to solve.

They arrived at the room with the large chandelier.

“Do we go to the tower?” Kendra asked.

Seth slowed, walking toward the stairs at the back of the room. “What if we run off and hide? Could that work?” He both hoped that Kendra did and didn’t understand the unspoken message. _I’m scared and don’t want to do this anymore._

“I don’t think so,” Kendra said, looking like she wished she could say otherwise. _I know, me too._ “We can’t leave the castle, and wherever we hide, they will eventually find us.”

Though he thought that she picked up on the hidden message, Seth hoped that Kendra didn’t pick up on the visible deflate of his shoulders at her words. He nodded. “Plus I think the statues are corralling us. Or maybe just still after us. They won’t slow until sunrise.”

"But to risk your identity?" Kendra asked. "To forget yourself?"

Seth froze for a second. He had been secretly wishing that Kendra wouldn't bring up the elephant lurking in the room. Sometimes he forgot just how intuitive his sister was, especially when it came to his 'stupid ideas' in her words and his 'unwise and reckless decisions' in Grandpa's. And yeah sure, he had done some stupid stuff before, but this plan fell into the category of 'Seth's calculated and necessary risks for the sake of humanity.' A title that was a bit long, but he was working on it.

"It's obvious Celebrant wants somebody else to unlock the door," Seth said slowly. Better to start off with the facts before he presented why this was his duty and his duty alone. "Enough that he's letting us do it unsupervised." They reached the right-hand stairs at the rear end of the room. Another landmark that reminded Seth of how much he didn't want to reach their destination.

"Do you think turning the key has to voluntary?" Kendra asked. Though Seth hadn't considered the loophole, he quickly dismissed it. The dwarf had been really big on following rules, and the loophole felt a little bit like cheating. ~~Not to mention that he deserved this. It was his duty even if they could find some way for Celebrant to be the one to turn the key.~~

"Looks like Celebrant thinks so," Seth said carefully. "the poem talks about choosing."

"Do we keep going?" Kendra asked.

Seth opened his mouth to respond with the speech he had been preparing about his plan to be the one to turn the key, but then he paused, deciding that the question was more rhetorical than anything. Yes, they had to keep going because that's what was expected of them at this point. And frankly, it was probably the only way they were going to get out of the situation alive, too. Golden statues entered the far side of the room. Seth started up the stairs.

"If we're too slow, Celebrant may catch up," Seth said, choosing to answer the superficial part of the question. "Getting to the door first is better than getting caught again."

"Lomo will get mobbed when he comes out of the black door," Kendra said. "We're out of allies."

Seth inhaled, bracing himself. This really was their only option then, wasn't it? "This door is the last obstacle," he said. "We can do this. I'm going to open it. Once I do, I'll probably forget a lot. When I went for the key, I lost so many memories, but I kept a sense of who I was. Losing my identity sounds more extreme. Hopefully, when you get the Wizenstone and end the game, my memories will return like they did when I left the gauntlet."

Shoot, he hadn't meant to say that much and possibly worry Kendra, but he was starting to get anxious. They rushed down a hall to a winding stairway. No golden statues were currently in view.

"I don't have the Banishment Rod," Kendra said.

"If the Wizenstone is so powerful, you can use that to fight off the demon," Seth said. The aftermath of turning the key was the least of his concerns right now. That was Kendra's job to figure out since she'd likely be going solo for that part.

"I don't know how the Wizenstone works," Kendra said. "The poem warned it's not for people to own."

Once again, another thing for Seth to usually be anxious about, but he couldn't find the energy to care at the moment. "We can't let Celebrant get it," he said. "We have to flip this on them somehow."

"We could try to ditch the key," Kendra said.

They were passing doors as they climbed the stairs, and Seth could have sworn that the weight of the key became heavier in his pocket. Another alternative to his plan. So his out loud thought dump had made Kendra worried then. Seth shook his head. "They have our escape routes cut off," he said, having thought about this exact scenario already. "If we chuck the key out a window, they'll find it before long. We're cornered. We have nowhere to hide."

"It seems clear that Celebrant _wants_ us to open the door!" Kendra said. "Isn't that the last thing we should do?"

Ok, talking too much when explaining his plan had been a grave mistake. Kendra had gone into full protective older sister mode, and it usually took a while to bring her out of that. At this rate, Seth was going to have to do this whether his sister was okay with it or not.

"It's going to happen either way," he tried to explain, panting with the exertion of running up the stairs. "If we wait, he'll have somebody else do it. If we unlock the door quickly, maybe you'll have a chance to do something before Celebrant arrives. Lock him out? Destroy the stone? Use it?"

"I'm not sure anything will work," Kendra said. "I think we blew it. I think we lost."

Seth didn't like the little twist in his gut at those words. It crushed him that Kendra, who had saved the world several times over, sounded so... hopeless.

He relaxed his posture (when had he gotten so tense?), and attempted a smile, one of those mischievous grins that always appeared whenever he hung out with Newel and Doren. "At least I won't remember," Seth said.

"That isn't funny," Kendra said.

His heart sank a little. Yeah sure, it wasn't funny, but he was trying to relieve the tension at least a little. Guess that was another thing that he could add to his list of failures.

"Hopefully you can undo the forgetting somehow," Seth said, trying to make it sound casual and not like all of his hope was pinned on it. "If not, I'll still be me. I just won't know it. I'll get back to myself eventually. I'll relearn."

"I can't think of anything worse to lose than knowing who I am," Kendra said.

Seth could. Though he supposed that losing his identity included his knowledge of Kendra, but at least he would still physically have her. That had to count for something, right? Right?

"I don't _want_ to," Seth said, feeling tears sting his eyes and clenching his fists, determined not to cry. Kendra couldn't see him like this - all scared and weak. It would do nothing to help relieve her anxiety. "We're trying to save the world. Small price if it helps."

They reached the top of the stairs and found themselves facing an ornate door made of silver-gray metal and set with gems. "There it is," Kendra said. "Are you sure about this?"

No, he didn't want to, but yes, he was sure. It was all his fault anyways. In one way or another, the situations the two got into always led to him taking the blame. They wouldn't be here if they weren't trying to stop a war with rebelling dragons. The dragons wouldn't be rebelling if they hadn't been inspired by the demon uprising. And the demon uprising wouldn't have happened if Seth hadn't been stupid enough to trust a being who had been evil since the beginning of the earth.

He deserved this. It was like a two in one. He would be punished for his stupid decisions leading up to this moment, and the world would likely also be saved. It was like a win-win but in the worst way possible.

They approached the door together. Seth held up the key. "It wasn't too bad in that room when I lost memories," he said trying to console Kendra. "You don't really know what you're missing."

That was, of course, a complete lie, but Kendra didn't need to know that. Even now just the thought of how _wrong_ he had felt inside the gauntlet but also the disorienting aftermath when his memories returned where everything _still_ felt wrong made him feel sick. And his memories hadn't even been gone for what? No more than like 15 minutes? The thought of that _wrong_ feeling for the rest of his life downright terrified Seth, but it was a fear that he planned on taking to his grave. Nothing that Kendra needed to be concerning herself with.

"That's sort of the most tragic part," Kendra said. "This is brave of you, Seth. Maybe too brave."

Seth nearly snorted at that. Surely, there was no such thing as too brave. And surely there were much braver people who had done much braver things than him. He shrugged. "I need to leave you time to try to do something." Seth inhaled and pushed the key into the keyhole, trying to ignore how much his hand was shaking. "Sorry to check out. Good luck. Tell everybody I love them. Even Knox. Especially you."

Seth had managed to maintain eye contact with Kendra throughout his mini-speech, but with that he turned away to face the keyhole, hoping his sister had missed the tears starting to well up and how he had almost choked up on his words.

This was his duty, though. He wasn't being selfish; this was for the good of the world, and he hoped that Kendra knew that. He wasn't being selfish... was he?

He shook his head to clear the doubting thoughts. No, this was for the greater good. Kendra, his parents, his grandparents, everyone else, the fate of the world... they were all much more important than his identity.

He would be _fine_ , he told himself. Seth would be _fine_ . Kendra would successfully get the Wizenstone within minutes, and the game would end, and his memories would definitely return. There was absolutely ~~every~~ no reason to doubt. Everything would be _fine_.

This was his duty. Everything would be fine.

Seth turned the jade key. And as he did so, he had the sinking feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Feel free to introduce yourself in the comments or message me on discord (sabinethesoprano#1059). I'd love to meet people in this fandom!
> 
> (also if there's like a server I could join then hmu)


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